When Life gets you Down

I know that feeling you have.
Nothing seems to be going your way.  The job sucks.  Your spouse seems to ignore you.
The kids won't stop being underfoot.  Your friends are throwing their accomplishments around like it was nothing.

These are the times you just want to crawl in a hole and disappear for a week. A month. Hell, maybe just not come back.  Start a new life in a new city.  Go to a place where Nobody knows your name.
Or don't find anyplace.  Just wander around doing good deeds.
"Who was that man who pulled you out of the car?"  "Who was that man that fought off the wild bear in the park?"
"Who was the man that just delivered your baby in the gas station?"
Bring back the hobo.  The drifter. Doing odd jobs around small towns.  Then moving on.

You wouldn't have bills to pay.  No 9-5 job.  Nobody to tell you where to go when to be there, or how to look when you got there.
No spouse to keep happy.  No extra mouths to feed.  So many less worries.  So much less stress.
This seems like the ultimate life sometimes.  A life I could run away to.  Embrace.  Make my own.

But my dream is tame compared to some.  My worries are small when looking at the large picture.
I know others have worse problems.  Bigger situations to deal with.  Much more on their plates.
Some are older. Some are younger. Some are women and some are men.  And I know each of them deal with things differently.

I have had my moments where I thought the world was out to get me.  My job sucked that day.  The kids wouldn't listen.  My wife told me to "Go Away!".  I had to spend money on things I didn't need.
Little things just piled up.  A little each day. Week after week.  Until I couldn't take it anymore.
I would just want a little peace and quiet.  To be left alone for awhile.  Let me read a book. Watch T.V.  Play a video game.  Just don't bother me.

But it hardly ever works.

The kids come into my room to ask questions.  The wife wants me to do things around the house.  Work calls to see if I can come in for an extra shift. "Timmy" needed the night off...... again.

So I go out.  I go play a little poker with some friends.  Or at the casino.  Or go see a movie in the theater. (Yes by myself. It's just as fun. And you don't have to listen to anyone else.)
I have even gone window shopping.  Driven somewhere to have dinner.  Gone to the mall to people watch.

Anything, just to get away.  Relax.  Recharge.
Then head back home to start another day.  And hope to not piss anyone off.

Including myself.

Alone

I am alone.

Not physically, but mentally.

I have a weekend coming up without my "adult supervision".

My wife is going scrapbooking on Saturday.

I am sitting here writing line after line of a nonsense poem.

Thoughts running through my mind, one after the other.

Every line provokes another memory.  Some good, some not.

I will be changing to another chapter in my life soon. As both kids are almost in school full time.

I am working more to either pay for it, or just for extra money.

Things are just staring to change a little too fast.  Or maybe just a little too much.

And with things changing, I start to see where it's going.

Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes bad.  And there's always the mixed changes that give you a loop.

We are trying to finish getting Monkey toilet trained.  I am tired of diapers/pull ups.

He also just got accepted into the Preschool in the school district.

That means that he will be gone 3-4 days a week in the afternoon.

I cannot work during those times since he will only be gone 3 hours..

Princess is getting bigger.  She is now up to my chin.

And she seems to be getting prettier every day.
But still my messy little girl.

Since school has started I am involved with the PTA again and have many things on my plate.
Carnival, skating party, book fundraiser, etc...
More of the same old stuff.  Me, trying to get us to spend money on things and everyone else trying to hoard the money. *sigh*
I will keep at it and try to get them to see my point of view.  Wish me luck.

What will I do after they are both in school?  I am sure I will work more, but doing what?
Waiting tables and tending bar is good money if you can get the right people and place to work at.
I have a nice place. And there are nice people working there and coming in to eat.
But is it where I want to stay?

I have a lot to think about and only a few more months to do it in.
I am alone in my thinking.
At some point I will involve the Warden and we will come to a decision that meets her expectations. Ha Ha.
Just kidding.  We will decide together.  The choices we make will benefit us and our family.

Let's see where this goes.  Life.

A Look Inside

I seem to keep things to myself.
I keep a lot of emotion locked up inside.  I don't let a lot of people in and when I do, I cling to them so they will not go.  I know I have some emotional problems that I have to deal with daily.
I know that there are some psychological issues that will never go away.

I try to find the good in people until they crush any hope of goodness I have for them.
I will help most people. Sometimes at my own expense.  Like going so far out of my way to take a friend home, as to make myself late or not be able to show up at all for whatever I had planned that day.

I know that my relationships with people are a little messed up.  That things I might think about how people feel about me might be WAAAAYYY off.  I tend to almost smother close friends.  And feeling personally hurt when their lives get too busy to involve me for a period of time.  Even tho it has nothing to do with me at all.  Everyone has a life.  Some might pass over of by ours.  But my life is not the only one that needs living.

I tend to get a little too emotionally attached to some members of the opposite sex.  knowing this has helped me avoid a few uncomfortable situations.  Female co-workers that I get a little too excited to see.
This has not led to anything physical.  Everyone knows I am married and to them I am just the "dirty old man".
But I have to know the boundaries.  I have to keep in mind, that many phrases, looks, or actions can be taken the wrong way.

I act like a kid a little too much for my wife's liking.  Growing up is one of the hardest things I am trying to do.  I may never be the "adult" most think I should.
But this is who I am.  This is who you have to accept.

I do not know what the future holds.  But I do know this.
I am going to keep living like I know what I am doing and remember to every now and then, take a look inside.