Monday, March 5, 2012

Am I Doing This Right?

As with everything you do in life.  Whether it be a new job, a new relationship, buying a car, buying a house, etc...  The thought runs through your head.  "Am I doing this right?"

Your first job. You want to do well, so that you don't have to go home and tell your parents that you got fired.
A girl.  Do you really want to go back to your friends and tell them you got dumped because you did something stupid?
A car.  Make sure it's cool enough to drive and won't break down all the time.
A house.  Do you really want to move back in with your parents?  With your kids?

A child is the same way.  But a hundred times more pressure.  This will be your ambassador to the world.  The way you raise them will reflect on you for many years to come.  If they become an important person, or end up in jail for years.  At some point, the praise, or blame will fall on you.

This happened a few years ago.  Just before Monkey came along.
Princess was only five.
I have been staying home with her since day one.  We had been going out and having little adventures.
We see some sights and window shop.  Everything was going fine.

But as a dad, staying home with a little girl, I always wondered....  Am I doing this right?
Play with her.  Feed her.  Changer her diapers.
Praise her.  Scold her.  Help her. Watch her.
Every little thing that goes into making her what she is, I am helping with.
But....  Am I doing this right?

So one day we went with my Mom, Step-dad, and our little family to Powell Gardens.
It is a nice place.  There are paths to walk.  Flowers and plants to see.  A Nice place to enjoy yourselves and have some fun with the family.

On this summer's day, Powell Gardens had a giant bug exhibit.  Now these are giant statues of bugs.
Ants, praying mantis, ladybugs, and other things. All made out of natural materials.  Sticks, stones, leaves.

As we are heading down a slightly steep hill, I noticed that Princess had slowed down a little to keep her balance.  As I waited for her to catch up, I saw a little girl of about two or three walk down the hill.
This little girl got going too fast and her feet couldn't keep up.  She ended up falling on her bottom a few feet away from Princess.  My little girl stopped.  Walked over to where this little girl was and helped her up.  Then asked her if she was okay.

This has been one of my proudest moments.  I didn't need anyone else to tell me.
In that moment.  I knew that I was Doing This Right.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Needing Direction

I am sitting here at midnight.  Just finished watching the latest NCIS on the DVR.  Had the TV on the SyFy channel and caught the last couple minutes of the movie "9".
Very thought provoking movie set in a post-war future/past.

I was bored. Flipping through the channels to see what else is on, when a thought passed my mind.
I am tired of life.
Now don't get me wrong.  I don't want to die.  Scares the crap out of me.  Just the thought that one day, I will cease to be a part of this body and go.... somewhere else.  It really keeps me up at night and gives me the shakes.

I mulled that thought over in my head.   I am tired of life.  Do I mean living?
Yes, actually.  Part of me means just that.  End it.  Skip the rest and find out what's on the other side.  Read the last page first.  The bad part of that is that I can't go back and read the rest of the story that would have been.

This is not something that I want to do.  And it scares the hell out of me that I thought it.
So this is my therapy.  I am telling you what I can't tell my wife.  Or that I can't seem to get my wife to understand from what I have told her.

I am tired of life.  Is it my life I am tired of?
Now that hit a chord.
I am tired of doing the things I do.  Day in and day out.  Not, that is to say that I do much.  I watch TV.
I play with my son.  I go up to my daughter's school and help out.  I play video games.  I read a book.
But am I doing everything I can?  Everything I could, or should do?

I have projects backing up around the house.  Paint.  Move boxes.  Clean the garage out.  Do something with the yard.
Then there are other things that I have tried to do, but need my wife's input on something.  So I can't decide on anything without consulting her.  And trying to get her to make a decision where spending money is involved takes a lot more time than I have most days.

My Life.  I am tired of the yelling.  My wife yells at me to do something.  She could have just asked.
And I don't mean the yelling where I have let it slide for too long and now it's a mess.
I mean that I didn't even know there was a problem and she is saying that I am an idiot for letting it happen.

Now I am not saying that I don't deserve some of the yelling.  Or maybe even most of it.
But the tone she uses is one she would use for the kids.  Or the dog.
And sometimes I am a big kid.  I can admit it.
I am not saying that me feeling this way is all her fault.

I have thought about running away.  Go to another state.  Find a city where I don't know anyone.
Rent an apartment and get a job.  Hang out with some different people and explore a new life.
But that wouldn't work.  I am not a spy.  I can't create a new life without ties to the old one.
I would worry about the kids.  I would miss my wife.
I would probably last two months before I bounced a check. (Done it before. Not pretty.)
I will have to change the life I have.

But how do I change?  Can I change?  She has been trying to get me to change for 16 years.
And I still leave socks and underwear on the floor.

I need to do some thinking.  I need to look at things that I can work on.

I am tired of things in this life.   Remake a new one.