When Life gets you Down

I know that feeling you have.
Nothing seems to be going your way.  The job sucks.  Your spouse seems to ignore you.
The kids won't stop being underfoot.  Your friends are throwing their accomplishments around like it was nothing.

These are the times you just want to crawl in a hole and disappear for a week. A month. Hell, maybe just not come back.  Start a new life in a new city.  Go to a place where Nobody knows your name.
Or don't find anyplace.  Just wander around doing good deeds.
"Who was that man who pulled you out of the car?"  "Who was that man that fought off the wild bear in the park?"
"Who was the man that just delivered your baby in the gas station?"
Bring back the hobo.  The drifter. Doing odd jobs around small towns.  Then moving on.

You wouldn't have bills to pay.  No 9-5 job.  Nobody to tell you where to go when to be there, or how to look when you got there.
No spouse to keep happy.  No extra mouths to feed.  So many less worries.  So much less stress.
This seems like the ultimate life sometimes.  A life I could run away to.  Embrace.  Make my own.

But my dream is tame compared to some.  My worries are small when looking at the large picture.
I know others have worse problems.  Bigger situations to deal with.  Much more on their plates.
Some are older. Some are younger. Some are women and some are men.  And I know each of them deal with things differently.

I have had my moments where I thought the world was out to get me.  My job sucked that day.  The kids wouldn't listen.  My wife told me to "Go Away!".  I had to spend money on things I didn't need.
Little things just piled up.  A little each day. Week after week.  Until I couldn't take it anymore.
I would just want a little peace and quiet.  To be left alone for awhile.  Let me read a book. Watch T.V.  Play a video game.  Just don't bother me.

But it hardly ever works.

The kids come into my room to ask questions.  The wife wants me to do things around the house.  Work calls to see if I can come in for an extra shift. "Timmy" needed the night off...... again.

So I go out.  I go play a little poker with some friends.  Or at the casino.  Or go see a movie in the theater. (Yes by myself. It's just as fun. And you don't have to listen to anyone else.)
I have even gone window shopping.  Driven somewhere to have dinner.  Gone to the mall to people watch.

Anything, just to get away.  Relax.  Recharge.
Then head back home to start another day.  And hope to not piss anyone off.

Including myself.

Alone

I am alone.

Not physically, but mentally.

I have a weekend coming up without my "adult supervision".

My wife is going scrapbooking on Saturday.

I am sitting here writing line after line of a nonsense poem.

Thoughts running through my mind, one after the other.

Every line provokes another memory.  Some good, some not.

I will be changing to another chapter in my life soon. As both kids are almost in school full time.

I am working more to either pay for it, or just for extra money.

Things are just staring to change a little too fast.  Or maybe just a little too much.

And with things changing, I start to see where it's going.

Sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes bad.  And there's always the mixed changes that give you a loop.

We are trying to finish getting Monkey toilet trained.  I am tired of diapers/pull ups.

He also just got accepted into the Preschool in the school district.

That means that he will be gone 3-4 days a week in the afternoon.

I cannot work during those times since he will only be gone 3 hours..

Princess is getting bigger.  She is now up to my chin.

And she seems to be getting prettier every day.
But still my messy little girl.

Since school has started I am involved with the PTA again and have many things on my plate.
Carnival, skating party, book fundraiser, etc...
More of the same old stuff.  Me, trying to get us to spend money on things and everyone else trying to hoard the money. *sigh*
I will keep at it and try to get them to see my point of view.  Wish me luck.

What will I do after they are both in school?  I am sure I will work more, but doing what?
Waiting tables and tending bar is good money if you can get the right people and place to work at.
I have a nice place. And there are nice people working there and coming in to eat.
But is it where I want to stay?

I have a lot to think about and only a few more months to do it in.
I am alone in my thinking.
At some point I will involve the Warden and we will come to a decision that meets her expectations. Ha Ha.
Just kidding.  We will decide together.  The choices we make will benefit us and our family.

Let's see where this goes.  Life.

A Look Inside

I seem to keep things to myself.
I keep a lot of emotion locked up inside.  I don't let a lot of people in and when I do, I cling to them so they will not go.  I know I have some emotional problems that I have to deal with daily.
I know that there are some psychological issues that will never go away.

I try to find the good in people until they crush any hope of goodness I have for them.
I will help most people. Sometimes at my own expense.  Like going so far out of my way to take a friend home, as to make myself late or not be able to show up at all for whatever I had planned that day.

I know that my relationships with people are a little messed up.  That things I might think about how people feel about me might be WAAAAYYY off.  I tend to almost smother close friends.  And feeling personally hurt when their lives get too busy to involve me for a period of time.  Even tho it has nothing to do with me at all.  Everyone has a life.  Some might pass over of by ours.  But my life is not the only one that needs living.

I tend to get a little too emotionally attached to some members of the opposite sex.  knowing this has helped me avoid a few uncomfortable situations.  Female co-workers that I get a little too excited to see.
This has not led to anything physical.  Everyone knows I am married and to them I am just the "dirty old man".
But I have to know the boundaries.  I have to keep in mind, that many phrases, looks, or actions can be taken the wrong way.

I act like a kid a little too much for my wife's liking.  Growing up is one of the hardest things I am trying to do.  I may never be the "adult" most think I should.
But this is who I am.  This is who you have to accept.

I do not know what the future holds.  But I do know this.
I am going to keep living like I know what I am doing and remember to every now and then, take a look inside.

Evolution of a Daddy's Driving

I know how it is when you are young and full of energy.
Full of vim and vigor.
Bursting at the seams.
Just waiting to get out there.  Show off for your friends.  Impress the girls.  Scare your parents.

You just got your drivers license.

You get in the car.  Fasten your seat belt. Wave to your mother.  Promise to be home at 9pm. ( 10pm )
Check your mirrors. Then carefully pull out of the driveway.  Smile and wave again as you pull away.
Watch in the mirrors until you turn the corner at the end of the block.  Parents are now home.  You are free.

The accelerator gets smashed to the floor.  Old Mrs.Windham dives for cover.  Little Timmy's soccer ball will never score again.  But that's only the beginning.  As you pull into the 7-11 and buy the biggest Slurpee that will fit in your cup-holder.  You peel out of the parking lot to your friend's house.
Where you calmly tell his mother that you will have him home by 9:30.  That the movie is rated PG.  There will be no girls there.  And he reminds his mother that he needs money for the movie.

You drive like a lunatic up and down the strip showing off your new ride.  While your friend hangs out the window.  You buy as much candy as you can carry.  Sneak in the back door to the R-rated movie that just came out.  Then try to get to second base with the girls you met there.  Then make it home before your mom sends out a search party for you.   Yup.  Grounded.  Not the last time.

A few speeding tickets later and maybe a small fender bender.  That takes care of High School.

College is a little different.  There's one of two ways to go.  You could be the responsible one.  Being the DD at parties.  Going to bed early.  Driving a little fast, but not taking too many chances.
OR......  You have to turn your keys over when you walk in the door.  The next morning you make it home, but that's not your car in the driveway.  You find your car in the bushes at the local McDonald's. You try not to get pulled over for a DWI while driving to class in the morning.  Your parents refuse to pay for your insurance anymore.  Or the tickets that caused it to go up.

Now you get married.  You have someone else in the car with you now.
She will hold her breath when you go around corners too fast.  Stomp her foot on the floor when you get too close to the guy in front of you.  Your driving gets a little better.  Just one ticket.
Thank goodness she wasn't in the car when it happened.

You decide to have kids.  Now there is another person in the car.  She looks like your wife.  She smiles when you talk to her.  Giggles when you tickle her chin.  Your shoulder is her favorite place to sleep.  You have to check on her five times before you go to bed.
You find yourself driving the speed limit.  Or under.  It actually takes you more than 5 minutes to get out of your street.  You curse the guy who just flew by on the shoulder.  Laughing when he gets pulled over.
Yelling when the bass in the car next to you is rattling your windows.

Driving one-handed means she dropped her pacifier.  Looking behind you means she was crying.
The cooler riding shotgun has been replaced by a bag of diapers and wipes.  The bottle of beer is now a bottle of warm milk.

The Evolution of a Daddy's Driving Does not end there.

Just think how much fun it will be to smash the accelerator to the floor.  Drive at just over the speed limit. Buy the biggest Slurpee that will fit in the car.  Get all the candy you can carry.  Buy two tickets for the new PG13 Movie. Sit there with your friend.

And be the coolest Grandpa ever.

Timeshare Wife

I have a timeshare wife
No, this does not mean I am on the wrong side of a Big Love episode.
It just means that I have to share my wife with the other parts of her life.
It wasn't all at one.  This came on very gradually.

After we got married, I just had to share her with her job.
After work and weekends were mine.
That was fine.  Make the money.  You still come home to me.

After a few years, she got a different job.
This required her to remain at work a little longer some days.
But that was fine.  I still got her after work and on the weekends.
All Mine.

A couple years later Princess came along.
I quit my job to stay home with her.
And while I had all the time I needed with our daughter, this means that I now had to share my wife with someone else.
Evenings and weekends were no longer just mine.
As the schedule was, we still had plenty of time after Princess went to bed and she took naps every now and then.  I had some quality time with her the Warden.

Okay, but lock the door.

Then we decide it's time to have another child.
We plan, save a little and Monkey comes out.
My little mini me.  He was easy going.  Not a big bother.
He takes life as it comes.  Hardly cried at all.

Wait....are they BOTH asleep?
Lock the door.

Then the Warden got laid off.
She had plenty of notice and got a bonus for staying until the end.
So she took a few weeks away from work before starting the new job. (I worked more)
We had some nice family time together.
I also got a little snip.  Easy to do.  A bag of peas and a few movies to watch.  Two days of bed-rest.

Crap, I hear one of them coming.  Open the door and let them sleep with us.

A few years have passed.  The little ones are now 4 and 9.
They try to stay up late.  They want to watch T.V.  Play on the Nintendo DS. Sleep in Mommy's bed.
I now have to contend with Girl Scouts.  And Monkey keeps saying he wants to join Boy Scouts.
Sports are going to be a factor.  And I am on the PTA Board at Princess' school.
The Warden is sick of her job. Comes home late and tired.
The half hour commute does not help.  And that's in good weather.
I try to squeeze in some time alone with The Warden when I can.
A little kiss here.  A longer hug there.  Just to show her that she is still beautiful.
Yes, I know that it's a sappy thing to say.  But I'm going to be stuck... er. Graced with her presence for years to come.
I might as well have someone I think is sexy on the other side of the table to look at.

Honey.  Wake up.  It's not really enjoyable if you're asleep.
Yes, I locked the door.

Well, life will go on.  We will make the best of it.  We will thrill at their every achievement.  Comfort with every spill.  Wipe away tears at every milestone.
And bawl our eyes out when they leave for college.
But at least then I will have the woman of my dreams all to myself.
We will watch some T.V.  Read a lot of books.  Have many nice quiet dinners.  And drive each other crazy.

Finally alone.  Don't worry about the door.

Lost Friends

We all have them.
Some of us are in denial.
No, it doesn't matter that you friended them on Facebook.
Or they sent you a message on MYSPACE.
They are gone.  Lost to time and relative space.

These are the friends that you grew up with.
You spent the night at their house.
You tormented your siblings by saying you told your friend they liked them. I mean "LIKED" them.
You tormented their parents by showing up unannounced to go on their vacation with them.
These are the buddies you got detention with.
Caught frogs with.   Shot roman candles at each other.  Could both ride your bikes without hands.
Pick something.  I bet you had a friend you did that with.

But where are they now?
Did they move?  Get a new job?  Get married?  Get divorced?
Spouse can't stand them?  Kids hate them?
Or does your family not even know they exist?
No. Bobby the Wolfboy, your imaginary friend when you were five does not count.

Your friend is gone.  You never see them.

I had a few friends like that.  I knew them in school.
I knew their family.  I played with their brother's and sisters.
I loved their parents almost like my own.
These friends are gone now.

No, don't read the wrong thing into it, they are still alive.
But I haven't seen any of them in years.
I even follow one on Twitter.

But like so many things in the world, life gets in the way.
I have my life and they have theirs.  That is what time does.
I saw one a few months after my daughter was born.
I told him I was staying home with her.
He said something to the effect that I was now the "bitch"
I couldn't care if I saw him for awhile.

As for the "relative space" I mentioned earlier.
I have a friend who was living only a few blocks from me.
But he never stopped by.  Even though he helped me move into our house.
He now still lives only a couple of miles away.  But he still hasn't taken me up on the offer of a beer.
I sent him a message in May of '09.
Did I mention that he was the Best Man at my wedding?

It saddens me to think that friends come and go so easily.
Reach out to someone from your past.  Share a pitcher of beer and re-hash old times.
While you may not see them again for awhile, you may find you still have something in common.
Even if it is just a fond remembrance of that Farrah Fawcett poster in your bedroom.

I have gotten some new friends since school.  And I hope they will be around for a long time.
( I need someone to help me move again)

I am surrounded by people who appreciate me for who I have become, and respect me for what I do.
These are the friends to have.

Too Late and Tired

Want to know what happens when I sit down to write a post at 1:30 in the morning after working a 12hr shift?   Random thoughts running into each other.  Random memories flowing through my brain.
A random poem.
So here's the poem.  There are good many memories or thoughts attached to every line.
Your's will be different.  But I hope this stirs some memories for you.

Randomness
The kids will want to play all day.
I'm looking for another way.
I have no love of being by myself.
I want to know what's on the shelf.
I do not want this life to end.
I remember very well how their's began.
I remember little toes.
The wrinkled up little nose.
The fingers grabbing for my hand.
The feet walking in the sand.
The laughter from the smiling mouth.
Now silence greets me in this house.
I have no where to go from here.
I still have the same shoes from last year.
My mind seems not to be at ease.
Would you be able to help me please?
I have a worry I can't say.
Will this last another day?
I watch the tv on and on.
I stay up from dusk to dawn.
So I might be missing something out there.
But I hide here in my chair.
Looking out among the leaves.
Hoping, hoping, it doesn't freeze.
Now I am off to bed.
Knowing that this is all in my head.
I hope to dream of happy places.
And seeing friends and happy faces.
So to you all I say good night.
May you find your peace and light.

The Cat Came Back

"Honey!  There's a cat at our door.  He wants in!"
Now why wouldn't I let it in?  Simple.   It's not ours.

But I got the answer in simple terms that even I can understand.
It showed up.  We had extra cat food from... somewhere.
The Warden fed it.  It came back.

It let her pet it.
It let her pick it up.
I told her NO!
I am tired of cleaning up cat poop.
Two cats is enough!

But the cat came back.
We fed it.  We scratched it's back.
But we did not let it in the house.

This started to become a habit.
The cat showed up.  Out comes The Warden with cat food.
She even put a bowl on our front porch.
It's a nice little blue bowl with a paw-print in the bottom.
It gets lots of use.

There have been many cats using it.
Probably a raccoon.
We have even seen an opossum.

We come out in the morning.  The cat is there.
We come home in the evening.  The cat is there.
We have 5 inches of snow.  After one whole day, I see paw-prints in the snow.

We don't know where he goes.   We don't know who he belongs to.
We just know that the cat comes back.
And The Warden will have food waiting.

What a sucker.

Here kitty kitty kitty...  Ahem..  Oops!

A Death in the Family

A few years ago, my Father-in-Law passed away.  Princess was four.

Death is not an easy thing to explain to a young child.

But it was the reaction and words from my daughter that will always be with me.
Here goes...

The Warden's Dad passed away on a Saturday.  I was at work when she got the call.
While this was sudden, it was not a big surprise.
We are talking about a man who had a quadruple bypass heart surgery 11 years ago.
And still smoked, ate steaks, didn't exercise, and drank an occasional beer.
I am glad he hung on as long as he did.

While he loved his daughter and granddaughter, he lived three states away.
And on a retired man's money.  Only got up to see us about once a year.

We drove down to see the family.   They were more than happy to watch Princess for awhile when needed.
We made the arrangements at the funeral home.
We rested for the next day.

As we arrived at the church for the service, everyone was talking and greeting relatives they hadn't seen in years.
Princess looked at all the people and the flowers and asked an innocent question:
"What are we doing here?"
"We are here to say Goodbye to Grandpa"  I answered.
"That's a bad word." She stated plainly
"What is?"  I asked.  Puzzled at her statement.
"Goodbye to Grandpa"  She said.

All I could do was give her a big hug.  While we would all miss him, she said what everyone was thinking.
As only a child can.

Battling Depression At-Home

Depression is nothing to take lightly.
It runs in families and destroys lives. Turns bad thoughts into bad actions.

Most people hear about Postpartum Depression. Where soon after childbirth, the mother has thoughts of hurting herself or her baby. This can happen to men too.
Another is Bipolar Depression or Manic Depression. This is where the person has mood swings to the extreme.

Still there are many other types of depression that are harder to diagnose and therefore, treat.

I have what you would call Chronic Depression. This affects millions of people and are the targets of those commercials we keep seeing on TV.
While I usually can fight the signs, I have days, or a week where I just try to limit the damage.

This became a slight problem once The Warden went back to work after our first was born.
I had days where I didn't want to do anything.
Those days when I picked up Princess and had thoughts I would much rather keep to myself.
I would let her cry for an hour in her crib while I watched TV or went back to sleep.

I am not saying that I kept food from her. While she was bottle fed, I kept the schedule.
Or that I didn't pay any attention to her.   She is as outgoing as any child I know.
Believe me when I say that she did not suffer any physical or emotional neglect.
If you saw her now, she is 9 years old.  She comes up to my shoulder.
She is almost as tall as my mother.
She put on my wifes wedding dress and it almost fit!!!   The curves come later....*shudder*

But I am a lucky one.

I realized it was happening.

I knew when to pull myself together and do what I needed to do.

I have been to therapy.   I was even put in a "home" for a little while when I was 14.

I knew what those thoughts were and that I did not have to do them.

I made myself put her down in her bed and walk out of her room when my frustration would drive me to scream and shake her.

Some don't know.  Some don't care.  Some are driven to hurt the ones they are supposed to care for.

Some hurt themselves.  I value this life I have been given.

I am a lucky one.

When Monkey came along it was easier.  I had a pair of eyes watching me.

She questioned what I was doing.   She got jealous of the attention I was giving this other child.

She was able to communicate her needs.  And pull me up a little by her smile.

But now, those little eyes are at school.  And this "other child" is in school two days a week.

But again.  I know that this is happening.  And some days I let it win.

I won't go out of the house.  Monkey will spend an awesome day watching TV and having a lot of snacks.

It will always be with me.  And some days it will win.

I now have friends that will pull me out of it.  Get me to leave the house.

Get me to experience the world.  And for that I thank them.

I know this is what all the commercial say as well.

But it is the best advice.

If you see signs of depression and think it will affect your family.

Please seek help.  Talk to family and friends.

Find the help you need to not let depression win.

The Tantrum

All in all it was a good day.
Until the tantrum.

We had friends over.  We have had them over before.
You all know Hossman.  And the Minions: Little Hoss and Bubba Hoss.
Monkey loves it when they come over.

So far it was a rough day.
I tried to sleep in.  But The Warden wanted the other vehicle today.  I had to get up and switch them.
I tried to go back to sleep.  But in her hurry, The Warden didn't feed our diabetic cat. (Story for another time.)
Again I tried to find the sweet arms of the Sandlady. (The Sandman and I have issues.)

But now Monkey is up and demanding food.  I'm wondering how much of his cereal he will spill on the floor.
Now I probably couldn't get back to sleep if I tried.  I look at the clock.  Princess needs to get up for school.
I get her up.  She gets dressed and comes out.  She wants to make her own lunch.  I look at the clock.
Almost 9am.  I go out to start the car.  With temps below freezing, our 11 year old car needs a little TLC.

As we pull up to the school at 9:10, Princess informs me that the bus, which is to take her to her gifted classes that day has already gone.  There is some yelling and arm waving for the ride to the other building.
Then Monkey wants to go to McD for breakfast.   More yelling and hand waving.

By the time we get back home it's almost time to go to playgroup.  I have to jump in the shower.
When I get out, I nearly walk out on a kid in the hallway.  Not my kid.  Hossman is early.
Little Hoss is in Monkey's room.  Bubba trailing after.

Hossman and I play some games.  The kids play their own.  Lunch is quiet.   We get our fix on games and talk.  Before I know it. Hoss and the minions have to leave.  There is a little loud talking to put away toys.
Then many hugs goodbye.  Little Hoss can't get enough when she leaves.

Finally!  Everyone is gone.  Monkey and I have the house to ourselves.

I say "You have been very grumpy today.  Too much yelling and screaming.  You are over-tired and need a time out."

My reflection just stares back at me.   I give Monkey a snack and walk down the hall to my room.
Ahhh.  Time out.  Just what the doctor ordered.


Dadddddyyyyy.....
Crap