Friday, March 2, 2012

Needing Direction

I am sitting here at midnight.  Just finished watching the latest NCIS on the DVR.  Had the TV on the SyFy channel and caught the last couple minutes of the movie "9".
Very thought provoking movie set in a post-war future/past.

I was bored. Flipping through the channels to see what else is on, when a thought passed my mind.
I am tired of life.
Now don't get me wrong.  I don't want to die.  Scares the crap out of me.  Just the thought that one day, I will cease to be a part of this body and go.... somewhere else.  It really keeps me up at night and gives me the shakes.

I mulled that thought over in my head.   I am tired of life.  Do I mean living?
Yes, actually.  Part of me means just that.  End it.  Skip the rest and find out what's on the other side.  Read the last page first.  The bad part of that is that I can't go back and read the rest of the story that would have been.

This is not something that I want to do.  And it scares the hell out of me that I thought it.
So this is my therapy.  I am telling you what I can't tell my wife.  Or that I can't seem to get my wife to understand from what I have told her.

I am tired of life.  Is it my life I am tired of?
Now that hit a chord.
I am tired of doing the things I do.  Day in and day out.  Not, that is to say that I do much.  I watch TV.
I play with my son.  I go up to my daughter's school and help out.  I play video games.  I read a book.
But am I doing everything I can?  Everything I could, or should do?

I have projects backing up around the house.  Paint.  Move boxes.  Clean the garage out.  Do something with the yard.
Then there are other things that I have tried to do, but need my wife's input on something.  So I can't decide on anything without consulting her.  And trying to get her to make a decision where spending money is involved takes a lot more time than I have most days.

My Life.  I am tired of the yelling.  My wife yells at me to do something.  She could have just asked.
And I don't mean the yelling where I have let it slide for too long and now it's a mess.
I mean that I didn't even know there was a problem and she is saying that I am an idiot for letting it happen.

Now I am not saying that I don't deserve some of the yelling.  Or maybe even most of it.
But the tone she uses is one she would use for the kids.  Or the dog.
And sometimes I am a big kid.  I can admit it.
I am not saying that me feeling this way is all her fault.

I have thought about running away.  Go to another state.  Find a city where I don't know anyone.
Rent an apartment and get a job.  Hang out with some different people and explore a new life.
But that wouldn't work.  I am not a spy.  I can't create a new life without ties to the old one.
I would worry about the kids.  I would miss my wife.
I would probably last two months before I bounced a check. (Done it before. Not pretty.)
I will have to change the life I have.

But how do I change?  Can I change?  She has been trying to get me to change for 16 years.
And I still leave socks and underwear on the floor.

I need to do some thinking.  I need to look at things that I can work on.

I am tired of things in this life.   Remake a new one.

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